Well folks, another week of Bullshit.
Heckle, Lavin and Co. presents

THE PUNIC WARS
P. 1- The Introduction, or, My Nymph is Terminally Debauched

Welcome, fair readers. it seems you are somewhat interested in the factual happenings of the Punicc Wars, and it is my duty, as an Historian, to provide the essentialities of nesessity, or indeed, the texts in which these wholly true facts are found.
now i shall start out, first of all, by naming my resources which i studied for the purposes of this book: i have, indeed, uncovered archaeological evidence in the ancient city of Carthage showing that there were indeed accounts recorded by the Carthaginians themselves on the happenings of their downfall. within this evidence a strand of hope was also found: that I, Bernie Faulks, might indeed find these accounts given by the Carthaginians.

and i have.

History, it seems, will absolve me: I ventured very close to the cliff and nearly jumped, metaphorically speaking, and as a backdrop to the ever-waning flimsical "cinema" of today, i will set the record straight. no longer will you be submerged in the cinematic depictions of vast battles on sea and land, and no longer neither your pants will be wetted by beasts of legend;
there is a much simpler excuse for the Punic Wars-

reformation.

the Romans and Carthaginians, with all their vascular pride and numerical superiority over one another, did not indeed ever "fight" as such. alas, this was a tool for the outside world and likewise the generations to come to look upon the Punic Wars with awe and admiration, but a truth lies within more pansaic then previously thought. it seems, rather bleakly, that both parties had used up their resources of trees, as the Easter islanders would do centuries later, and resulting from theis the Romans and Carthaginians needed new lands, or, alternatively, tree seeds. as they were the superpowers of the times, the Romans stood in the way of th Carthaginians' path just as much as the Carthaginians did for the Romans, leading us to "the talks."



(this is an excerpt from the first chapter of my book. chronicalled within are the secrets of "the talks," and so you will buy the book i have skipped this essential part and decided to show you instead "chapter two", entitled "immediatley following ""the talks"".)

P2- "Immediatley following "the talks""

This was the real test for the Carthaginians. After failing to make an impression, their Roman enemies taunted them with the further building of more giant stone heads, carved directly from the rock of the mountains. The Carthaginians were outraged. With gusto, thet planned an offensive against the Romans, involving their entire fleet of battle-worthy vessels, over two-thirds of their battle-ready army, and sixty-thousand tonnes of raw, untainted braken. The scheme was thought up by none other then Hannibal's second cousin, Gregoir, and was a stroke of genious and an engineering marvel for the time: The vast army would, for three days, sail around the city of Rome, firing the Braken from specially designed catapults (to fit within the confinments of the Carthaginian trireme) into the direction of the sun. Their objective of course was to actually block out the sun, causing civil unrest within Rome itself, and thus collapsing the empire. At first, the Carthaginians enjoyed the taste of early success: the braken was indeed finding it's mark, and the populous of Rome began to grow frantic and uneasy. by the third day, the Carthaginians could smell the perfume of Lady Victory, closer to them then ever before; now, the underdogs had overturned the tables on the giant-stone-head carving Romans, and taunted them with out sunlight. But the Romans were not ready to give up. A small boy, by the name of Asderelios, set about firing the braken back at the Carthaginians, and soon the entire city began doing the same. The Carthaginians, with victory within their grasp, let it slide away into the hands of a Braken-throwing child.
The fleet soon disbanded, along with almost half of the army; the other half either drowned or were killed by the Roman civilian's retaliation. This was a major blow to the Carthaginians, and one that they would never fully recover from, no matter how long they licked their wounds.

(end of first part of chapter)
(buy the book)

P 3- The Truce Denied (Bretheren, the Real McCoy (applause))

Indeed, it seemed as though the act of violence never really settled within the normally diplomatic stomaches of both societies; their "diet" being mostly made up of democracy and diplomats, battle seemed far too drastic and foot-wetting to be considered again. War had enjoyed itself for ten long months amongst the two nations, and now it was time for a truce.
Of course, in those days truces were never a reality; usually both parties would stab the other in the back as soon as the fruit was ripe to do so. In this particularly peculiar case, however, the Carthaginians decided to toss the Romans off guard-

They would abhor, with rigorous deviancy, to the terms of the truce.

This was greatly unexpected on the Roman front, as the Romans planned to do the same thing in the early stages of diplomacy, but decided instead to break tradition and then conform to it once again (in the sense that they would plan on not breaking the truce, outwardly unbeknowngst to the Carthaginians, and then go ahead and do what was expected of them), and they believed that the Carthaginians would do the same. The anti-anti-truce stance taken by the Romans was forseen in the reading of mice entrails, however, by the Carthaginian priests and was therefore no surprise to the Carthaginians. This treating of the truce by the Carthaginians however was earth-shattering; the Romans invaded Carthage with a vast convoy of merchants, prostitutes and sailors, all heavily tattoed and under the influence, and caused great civil unrest within Carthage. Sailors, without their ships, took to the streets and began rigging store-fronts, using children as paddles, and generally becoming more and more roudy as the "city-fever" creeped it's way into their bloodstream. Prostitutes began selling their wares for free, to anyone and anything that crossed their paths. This included men, women, cats, and perhaps most shockingly of all, earthen pots- it was not uncommon at all during this bleak time to see a pottery receptical having his way with some of Rome's finest.
The merchants, on the other hand, were having an unexpectedly positive impact on the city: they would sell their foreign goods, of immense rarity to the Carthaginians, in high extortionist prices, only to find that eventually the money would recycle back into Carthage; the Merchants, being the slimey pigs they were, were slaughtered by the local fishmonger's wives, quite by accident. the wives thought the merchants to be, in actual fact, fish, as their attire would suggest to the uneducated mind of the fishmonger's wife.
After the Carthaginians grew used to this "noir" state of affairs within their city, the effects of calamity wore off and instead benefited the situation in their favor.

The Romans would never forget this.

(or, at least, Micanus never forgot. he had a very good memory, about the only thing going for him, as he was an ugly prick with only one leg.)